Forum Writer of 2012 Competition

[poohcarrot]

10 Love - Hate - Redemption

First I adored you.
Then I abhorred you.
Your voice in my head,
The thought of your bed.
I promised the world,
Feelings unfurled.
You laughed in my face.
Said there was no place
In your life for me.
But you didn't see
What we could have been,
What we could have seen.

Heart on my sleeve.
You didn't believe
My love was real.
How does it feel?
Not being two-faced,
You've been replaced.
I've found my true.
But still think of you.
I've reached my star,
Gaze down from afar.
Though you'll never know,
You helped me to grow.

 

[poohcarrot]

11Modern Romance

‘Shall I compare Thee …’
‘Whatcha doing? You know I don’t understand Shakespeare?’
‘I’m just being romantic! How about a fragrant rose?’
‘What! D’you mean thorny?’
‘NO! Um, The warmth of the Sun …’
‘Gives you cancer? Burns you to a crisp? You’re not great at this, are yer?’
‘Sorry! … The twinkling of a star!’
‘What about it - exactly?’
‘Um. Lighting up darkness just by being there? ….’
‘Nah! Anyone can light up darkness! That’s what lighters are for!’
‘How about … a McDonalds! Loads of variety and enjoyment!’
She smiled. ‘You say the nicest things!’

 

[poohcarrot]

12Ode to a Forum Valentine (sort of to the tune of You're so Vain )


Should we explore the synapses of your huge mercurial brain?

Make a stab at working out just what makes you tick?

Admit it's just too insane

Reining back your kaleidoscopic Monty Python sense of sick?

Try cutting some slack on folk you keep dissing?

You don't do boot-licking?


Pooh you're pants... when attempting gentle small talk convo

And you're crap at hugs 'n cuddles 'cos you're far too loco!

Naughty! Nutty! Numpty!

Trust us we love that you can drive us all spare

Such a funny ole bear...

 

[poohcarrot]

13 What not to ask Barbie on a speed date

What's my most embarrassing moment?
Oh golly gosh! How extraordinary that you should ask me that!
Someone came up to me only the other day and asked why I'd dumped my long term boyfriend?
I didn't know where to look because, well you know... it was all a bit sad really?
I mean on paper he had everything a girl could want.
The great car.
Lovely smile...
Nice hair...
Wonderful tailor...
Good taste in presents...
Romantic.
Up to a point...
Well... not a point... exactly...
In fact nothing much to point to really.
Except... disappointing.
In a Calvin Klein sense...

 

[poohcarrot]

14 Happy Snapper

On June 15, 2016, John Pilkington developed his time-travel mobile phone app, and decided to create the ultimate photo album.

Dressed in period clothing, he first travelled back to Jerusalem 33AD. Standing at the back of an enormous crowd, he secretly set his mobile camera to maximum zoom. Three crosses were barely visible in the distance. As the last nail was being hammered in, he raised his arm aloft and took a photo.

Unfortunately, thousands of other people did likewise and his photo was ruined.

"Pilkington app? Me too! I'm from 2156. This is my 19th visit. How about you?"

 

[Jan Van Quirm]

Very good! :clap:

 

[michelanCello]

Very good writings! :clap: It's going to be a tough one, for sure...!

 

[DaveC]

Just noticed this, sounds cool, I'll see what I can do.

Welcome back Pooh, hope you had a good Christmas.

 

[poohcarrot]

Ta DaveC

As, now since Pooh's back, I feel happy in throwing out my usual "Pyramids sucks!" bait.

Still talking out your bum.

 

[stripy_tie]

Ta DaveC

As, now since Pooh's back, I feel happy in throwing out my usual "Pyramids sucks!" bait.

Still talking out your bum.

People don't like pyramids?, I mean it's not a stand out book but it's still very good.

 

[Who's Wee Dug]

I thought it was rather good.

 

[poohcarrot]

15 The Fourth Crusade

There was a crusade the fourth of its kind. It reached Venice after quite some time. The Venetians were willing to ship the crusaders to the Holy Land, for a small fee. Alas the crusaders were down on their luck.
No worries, said the Venetians, you can do us a favour. Constantinople that great city is being a pain in the neck. Capture it and we will be in your debt.
But the Byzantines are good Christians! We only fight the unbelievers!
No worries the Byzantines are excommunicated by the pope!
Well…
Think of the riches!
Which way is Constantinople?

 

[poohcarrot]

16 The Slayer

The future is not quite what I hoped it would be. Men in grey coats watch our every move, while the great leader tries to rule our every thought. It´s not easy to get a gun in this supposedly crime free society. It’s not impossible either.
I’ve had enough of it all. No I’m not going to shoot myself, it’s the great leader I’m going to kill. My name while be remembered as Thomas the Tyrantslayer.
I thought things went well, but now I’m on death row and will be forever known as Thomas the Undersecretary for Foreign Affairs slayer.

 

[poohcarrot]

Ta DaveC

As, now since Pooh's back, I feel happy in throwing out my usual "Pyramids sucks!" bait.

Still talking out your bum.

People don't like pyramids?, I mean it's not a stand out book but it's still very good.

It's a running gag stripy.

Everybody actually loves Pyramids, but they only say they don't to try and wind me up.

But if you notice, the ones who say they don't like Pyramids, usually say they like Making Money. So it just goes to show that the subtle and erudite humour of Pyramids is completely lost on people who like "knob gags!" :dance: :dance:

 

[Quatermass]

The Fourth Crusade

There was a crusade the fourth of its kind. It reached Venice after quite some time. The Venetians were willing to ship the crusaders to the Holy Land, for a small fee. Alas the crusaders were down on their luck.
No worries, said the Venetians, you can do us a favour. Constantinople that great city is being a pain in the neck. Capture it and we will be in your debt.
But the Byzantines are good Christians! We only fight the unbelievers!
No worries the Byzantines are excommunicated by the pope!
Well…
Think of the riches!
Which way is Constantinople?

Oh, this is a good 'un. This should've been in that Crusades documentary with Terry Jones...

Everybody actually loves Pyramids, but they only say they don't to try and wind me up.

But if you notice, the ones who say they don't like Pyramids, usually say they like Making Money. So it just goes to show that the subtle and erudite humour of Pyramids is completely lost on people who like "knob gags!" :dance: :dance:

Pyramids has an excellent first part with Pteppic's test and life in the Assassin's Guild. The rest of the book is dreary and tired, much like the country of Djelibeybi. In other words, it's a load of bollocks.

Whereas Making Money lampoons the banks and economics in a very timely manner, and has Moist! Moist von -ing Lipwig! The knob gags are secondary. :dance: :dance: :dance:

As the l33tsp33kers would put it, Pooh, "Yr logicz r broken!"

 

[deldaisy]

Everybody actually loves Pyramids,

No!

 

[poohcarrot]

17 MAKING HARD DECISIONS

-This is so difficult, you can't expect this of me. How can I choose only one of you?
-You said I was your true hero, said Aragorn
-yes, you are but
-I thought you had decided to protect the four lands with me, said Allanon
-And I intend to, but
-And I was your soulmate, said Raistlin
-Well, what I meant...
-You know, I have work to attend to, so if you would be so kind as to make a quick decision, said Vetinari
-This is ridiculous, I can't go through this any time I want to reread a book!

 

[poohcarrot]

Just a couple of points Q

a) You are a native English speaker, yet freely admit that you are incapable of writing a 100-word story. :ugeek:

b) A third of the entries so far are from people whose first language ISN'T English. :ugeek:

Sorry to disagree with you yet again, but I think that non-native English speakers who are brave enough to submit an entry should be applauded and encouraged, not ridiculed.

 

[stripy_tie]

The Fourth Crusade

There was a crusade the fourth of its kind. It reached Venice after quite some time. The Venetians were willing to ship the crusaders to the Holy Land, for a small fee. Alas the crusaders were down on their luck.
No worries, said the Venetians, you can do us a favour. Constantinople that great city is being a pain in the neck. Capture it and we will be in your debt.
But the Byzantines are good Christians! We only fight the unbelievers!
No worries the Byzantines are excommunicated by the pope!
Well…
Think of the riches!
Which way is Constantinople?

Oh, this is a good 'un. This should've been in that Crusades documentary with Terry Jones...

Everybody actually loves Pyramids, but they only say they don't to try and wind me up.

But if you notice, the ones who say they don't like Pyramids, usually say they like Making Money. So it just goes to show that the subtle and erudite humour of Pyramids is completely lost on people who like "knob gags!" :dance: :dance:

Pyramids has an excellent first part with Pteppic's test and life in the Assassin's Guild. The rest of the book is dreary and tired, much like the country of Djelibeybi. In other words, it's a load of bollocks.

Whereas Making Money lampoons the banks and economics in a very timely manner, and has Moist! Moist von -ing Lipwig! The knob gags are secondary. :dance: :dance: :dance:

As the l33tsp33kers would put it, Pooh, "Yr logicz r broken!"

I liked Making Money, it was good. It didn't really work as a satire of the banks though. It didn't even really work as a book, there's no clear beginning, middle, and end.

it's just Moist doing lots of stuff, having a lot happen to him in turn -some of it while working at a bank- and then doing some more stuff. The theme of money and it's worth is in there but it's lying scattered in bits and pieces and never really comes together.

Pyramids while not standing out from the pack all that much is nevertheless very well put together and tightly edited. It's themes of time, culture and history come through very well and the ending was even a little bit genius.

In fact Pratchett's moving away from theme based work like "Pyramids" and onto heavily plot driven stuff like "Making Money" and "Snuff" is the main reason for my dissatisfaction with the series of late.

 

[CrysaniaMajere]

Funny thing, I love the Discworld more and more with every book I read... :think: but it's just strange me, I like them all even the ones that I do not like ^_^