The Amazing Adventures Of Captain Pooh Carrot
- Thread starter poohcarrot
- Start date
Dotsie's right - when you're getting that much down without a break then a good proportion of it will be usable 
Even if there are typos all over, the thought stream's got to be chucking some good stuff out 'cos the story's writing itself when you get going like that - you may have to go in and tidy up, but let us look it over and feedback and then take any editing from there
Even if there are typos all over, the thought stream's got to be chucking some good stuff out 'cos the story's writing itself when you get going like that - you may have to go in and tidy up, but let us look it over and feedback and then take any editing from there
Repent or Die - Week 2
As the curtains drew back, the huge, packed auditorium was filled with a deathly silence. The stage was bathed in a warm, pink glow of artificial twilight, and dry ice billowed and curled, cascading eerily into the front rows of the expectant audience. An ever-lasting synthesized chord of music began quietly, then began to increase in volume indicating the show was about to start. Momentarily the sound was drowned out by the ten thousand people crowd getting down on their knees in preperation. Then a solitary white hot spotlight pierced the pink gloom, illuminating a gold-enrobed figure kneeling before an altar at the top of a marble staircase. Above the altar hung an enourmous picture of Jesus, with long flowing locks of blond hair, bearded face and steely, determined, blue eyes which seemed to stare into the very soul.
Brother Sjoerd's rich, deep voice echoed and bounced round the hall beginning the opening prayer, a prayer that everyone knew and loved. His voice was joined in unison by the assembled throng.
"Our dear Lord, to thee we pray.
Help us now and everyday.
Guide our choice and what we say.
If the Sinner's guilty, let's make them pay.
In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost,
A-men."
Rising from his knees, Brother Sjoerd made the sign of the cross three times, then slowly turned to face the audience. The musical chord, still increasing in volume, was joined by a pulsating drum beat. Brother Sjoerd raised his arms like Rio's Christ the Redeemer, seemingly attempting to envelop the two billion holovision viewers in a three-dimensional love embrace. Cameras form every angle zoomed in for close ups of his perfect face, eyes tightly shut. The chord now started rising in pitch and the thumping drumbeat increased its tempo. Just as the sound was beginning to get uncomfortable for the ears, it abruptly stopped. Instantly Brother Sjoerd opened his eyes and broke into the whitest, most perfect smile, breaking the hearts once again, of his millions of adoring fans.
"It's Showtime!"
A rainbow of swooping lights, strobes and lasers hit the stage as the Evangelical Sisters of Mercy Choir burst into "Jesus is my sunbeam", the show's theme song. The whole audience were on their feet now, belting out the words of the song as if their lives depended on it, dancing and gyrating in the rows and aisles, while spotlights zig-zagged over them. For a big man, Brother Sjoerd tripped lightly down the staircase and onto the stage where he stood swaying and clapping in time to the music.
The holovision viewers were treated to a split screen plethora of rapidly changing 3D images of the choir, the audience, Brother Sjoerd and the massive picture of Jesus.
The song reached a crescendo then stopped and the crowd went wild, stamping their feet, cheering and whistling. Brother Sjoerd just stood there, letting the adulation wash over him, until he raised his right hand and the cheering ebbed away.
"Welcome Brothers and sisters. Welcome to...," he made the gesture of a conductor leading an orchestra and the audience, right on cue, screamed,
"Repent or die!"
"And what a show we have for you tonight. Sinner Carrot returns after narrowly escaping death last week, polling 62% for stoning, just under 5% short of the 66.6% devil's majority needed."
The crowd booed and hissed and shouts of "Kill the heretic" could be heard.
"Let me tell you Brothers and Sisters, about an amazing new record set by Sinner Carrot. He is the first person, ever, to score an absolute zero per cent for "Repentence". However, not only did he score zero, but after checking the voting figures in detail, we found that there was not one person on the planet, of the nearly two billion voters, who considered him worthy of repentence. Amazing!"
This brought further cheering and clapping from the crowd.
Reaching into his robes, Brother Sjoerd pulled out a pile of printed g-mails.
"So what did you out there in holovision land think of Sinner Carrot?"
He began reading some of the g-mails,
"Kill him, kill him, kill him!"
"He's scum! Send him to Hell!"
"Stone him AND burn him!"
"Torture his ass!"
Looking up into a nearby camera, Brother Sjoerd winked,
"I must admit that though the thought of torture is truly tempting, it must be stressed that on "Repent or die" we don't go in for gratuitous violence."
The crowd laughed and cheered yet again.
"However, Brother Kaplowski of Atlanta, Georgia who made the the "torture" comment, is in the audience tonight and, God willing, if there is a Devil's majority of 66.6% for stoning, then Brother Kaplowski will be one of the lucky ten people chosen to hurl the rocks. Where are you Brother Kaplowski?"
Brother Kaplowski stood up and his face filled the holovision screens, a face that was so full of pride that he was almost bursting. The crowd went wild again with those people in neighboring seats patting him on the back and shaking his hand.
"So, without further ado, let's bring forth the Sinner. Brothers and Sisters, I give you.....Sinner Carrot!"
The lights dimmed, the dry ice machines went into overdrive and spot lights illuminated a place in the centre of the stage. The crowd were all chanting, "Bring forth the Sinner, Bring forth the Sinner", as up through the floor and smoke rose Pooh Carrot.
But this wasn't the Pooh Carrot of last week. Gone were the hippy clothes he'd worn to blend in with 1978 Earth. Gone was the long, greasy, surgically implanted hair, and gone too was the beard. He stood there dressed in black T-shirt and black jeans, face and head clean shaven, with a look of defiance and a copy of the Bible in his right hand. The audience gasped in astonishment.
"Why, Sinner Carrot", laughed Brother Sjoerd, "You appear to have gone through a transformation! Does this mean you've seen the light? Are you going to claim you've repented?
"We'll just have to wait and see, won't we?" retorted Carrot.
Without waiting to be asked, Pooh Carrot strode over to the Sinners' chair, where he sat down, crossing his legs casually.
"Let's rock and roll, Bro!"
Insert bit about "Free will" and take apart book of Genesis
The anger radiating from the audience was palpable. Getting up from the Sinners' seat, Carrot walked confidently to the front of the stage, Bible in hand. He stopped when he was nearly in spitting range of the front row, as the security guards struggled to keep the baying throng in check. Opening the Bible to the book of Genesis, he ripped it out, tore it in half and flung it into the air. As the pieces floated back down like confetti, he critically surveyed the audience and said,
"This is complete and utter pants!"
The audience went beserk and rushed the stage trying to rip Carrot limb from limb. The security guards struggled to keep the mob back, firing Tazers indescriminately. One big guy, face contorted with rage, managed to break through the security guards, clambered on stage left and rushed at Pooh Carrot. Pooh Carrot stood there, not giving ground as he weighed up the onrushing assailant.
"You filthy heathen bastard! I'm gonna wipe that smug smile off your face".
When he got within striking distance, he unleashed a killer haymaker of a punch. Time seemed to freeze as the blow arched towards Carrot's head, but at the last moment Carrot's left arm shot up parrying the blow, and his balled right fist delivered a ferocious straight jab, connecting with the attacker's chin and virtually lifting him off the ground. He was unconscious before he hit the stage and lay sprawled in the remains of Genesis.
"Here endeth the first lesson," said Carrot, and with a shrug of his shoulders, he turned his back on the audience and sauntered nonchalantly back to his seat.
Brother Sjoerd, mouth gaping, stared at Pooh Carrot.
"Sinner Carrot! You do realise for that little stunt of desecration I could have you instanty executed?"
"No, you couldn't. That would be breaking the rules of your own game. If you tried to have me executed, you'd lose all credibility and this show would be finished. Not to mention the fact that you'd make me into a martyr. The only way to kill me, is if 66.6% of people vote for for my death. So let's vote Bro!"
Brother Sjoerd turned to the hostile crowd,
"Brothers and Sisters, it's voting time. Should Sinner Carrot be burned to death, stoned to death, or has he, dare I say, convinced anyone in the world that he has repented and his life should be spared? You have three minutes to vote, starting from now. While the votes are being processed, let's hear a word from our sponsors."
During the commercial break, a digital scoreboard had been wheeled onto the stage proclaiming the three options of "Burning", "Stoning " or "Repented".
"Welcome back Brothers and Sisters. Now it's time to look at the old scoreboard and see just how you all voted. First, let's have the votes for "Burning".
Next to the word "Burning" the numbers started rising. First 10%, then 20%, then 25% as the figures started to slow down. 30% was reached but the numbers were really slowing down now, then a red light came on and the "Hallelujahs" sounded indicating a final total of 32.7%.
"Oh dear Sinner Carrot. By my reckoning that leaves 67.3% of votes left, over the Devil's majority. It looks like your time in this world will soon be at an end."
Pooh Carrot looked non-plussed.
"It ain't over till the fat lady sings, you know."
"True Sinner Carrot. But if I were you I'd start believing in miracles. Now let's have the votes for "Stoning."
Next to the word "Stoning" the numbers started rising rapidly without showing any sign of slowing down. 40% was reached, then 50%, then 60% and only then did the numbers start to slow. 65% was reached, then 66%, as Brother Sjoerd sat there with a smile playing across his lips.
The crowd, having been threatened with arrest by the Religious Police during the commercial break, had calmed down, but were now clapping and cheering, for surely the Sinner would soon be dead.
The scoreboard's red light flashed, the "Hallelujahs" sounded and the final total for "Stoning" was displayed. The crowd went suddenly quiet, and Brother Sjoerd stared disbelievingly at the figure - 66.4%!
"Impossible! Let's have the votes for "Repented". The figures rose for a second then stopped at 0.9%
"Well, Sinner Carrot, truly unbelievable! But it looks like you've escaped for another week."
Turning to the audience one last time, Brother Sjoerd completed the show's closing lines,
"Brothers and Sisters, Sinner Carrot will be back again next week so make sure you are too. May God go with you and may the good Lord Jesus protect you. A-men."
The credits rolled as two billion holovision viewers sat dumfounded, staring incredulously at their screens.
As the curtains drew back, the huge, packed auditorium was filled with a deathly silence. The stage was bathed in a warm, pink glow of artificial twilight, and dry ice billowed and curled, cascading eerily into the front rows of the expectant audience. An ever-lasting synthesized chord of music began quietly, then began to increase in volume indicating the show was about to start. Momentarily the sound was drowned out by the ten thousand people crowd getting down on their knees in preperation. Then a solitary white hot spotlight pierced the pink gloom, illuminating a gold-enrobed figure kneeling before an altar at the top of a marble staircase. Above the altar hung an enourmous picture of Jesus, with long flowing locks of blond hair, bearded face and steely, determined, blue eyes which seemed to stare into the very soul.
Brother Sjoerd's rich, deep voice echoed and bounced round the hall beginning the opening prayer, a prayer that everyone knew and loved. His voice was joined in unison by the assembled throng.
"Our dear Lord, to thee we pray.
Help us now and everyday.
Guide our choice and what we say.
If the Sinner's guilty, let's make them pay.
In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost,
A-men."
Rising from his knees, Brother Sjoerd made the sign of the cross three times, then slowly turned to face the audience. The musical chord, still increasing in volume, was joined by a pulsating drum beat. Brother Sjoerd raised his arms like Rio's Christ the Redeemer, seemingly attempting to envelop the two billion holovision viewers in a three-dimensional love embrace. Cameras form every angle zoomed in for close ups of his perfect face, eyes tightly shut. The chord now started rising in pitch and the thumping drumbeat increased its tempo. Just as the sound was beginning to get uncomfortable for the ears, it abruptly stopped. Instantly Brother Sjoerd opened his eyes and broke into the whitest, most perfect smile, breaking the hearts once again, of his millions of adoring fans.
"It's Showtime!"
A rainbow of swooping lights, strobes and lasers hit the stage as the Evangelical Sisters of Mercy Choir burst into "Jesus is my sunbeam", the show's theme song. The whole audience were on their feet now, belting out the words of the song as if their lives depended on it, dancing and gyrating in the rows and aisles, while spotlights zig-zagged over them. For a big man, Brother Sjoerd tripped lightly down the staircase and onto the stage where he stood swaying and clapping in time to the music.
The holovision viewers were treated to a split screen plethora of rapidly changing 3D images of the choir, the audience, Brother Sjoerd and the massive picture of Jesus.
The song reached a crescendo then stopped and the crowd went wild, stamping their feet, cheering and whistling. Brother Sjoerd just stood there, letting the adulation wash over him, until he raised his right hand and the cheering ebbed away.
"Welcome Brothers and sisters. Welcome to...," he made the gesture of a conductor leading an orchestra and the audience, right on cue, screamed,
"Repent or die!"
"And what a show we have for you tonight. Sinner Carrot returns after narrowly escaping death last week, polling 62% for stoning, just under 5% short of the 66.6% devil's majority needed."
The crowd booed and hissed and shouts of "Kill the heretic" could be heard.
"Let me tell you Brothers and Sisters, about an amazing new record set by Sinner Carrot. He is the first person, ever, to score an absolute zero per cent for "Repentence". However, not only did he score zero, but after checking the voting figures in detail, we found that there was not one person on the planet, of the nearly two billion voters, who considered him worthy of repentence. Amazing!"
This brought further cheering and clapping from the crowd.
Reaching into his robes, Brother Sjoerd pulled out a pile of printed g-mails.
"So what did you out there in holovision land think of Sinner Carrot?"
He began reading some of the g-mails,
"Kill him, kill him, kill him!"
"He's scum! Send him to Hell!"
"Stone him AND burn him!"
"Torture his ass!"
Looking up into a nearby camera, Brother Sjoerd winked,
"I must admit that though the thought of torture is truly tempting, it must be stressed that on "Repent or die" we don't go in for gratuitous violence."
The crowd laughed and cheered yet again.
"However, Brother Kaplowski of Atlanta, Georgia who made the the "torture" comment, is in the audience tonight and, God willing, if there is a Devil's majority of 66.6% for stoning, then Brother Kaplowski will be one of the lucky ten people chosen to hurl the rocks. Where are you Brother Kaplowski?"
Brother Kaplowski stood up and his face filled the holovision screens, a face that was so full of pride that he was almost bursting. The crowd went wild again with those people in neighboring seats patting him on the back and shaking his hand.
"So, without further ado, let's bring forth the Sinner. Brothers and Sisters, I give you.....Sinner Carrot!"
The lights dimmed, the dry ice machines went into overdrive and spot lights illuminated a place in the centre of the stage. The crowd were all chanting, "Bring forth the Sinner, Bring forth the Sinner", as up through the floor and smoke rose Pooh Carrot.
But this wasn't the Pooh Carrot of last week. Gone were the hippy clothes he'd worn to blend in with 1978 Earth. Gone was the long, greasy, surgically implanted hair, and gone too was the beard. He stood there dressed in black T-shirt and black jeans, face and head clean shaven, with a look of defiance and a copy of the Bible in his right hand. The audience gasped in astonishment.
"Why, Sinner Carrot", laughed Brother Sjoerd, "You appear to have gone through a transformation! Does this mean you've seen the light? Are you going to claim you've repented?
"We'll just have to wait and see, won't we?" retorted Carrot.
Without waiting to be asked, Pooh Carrot strode over to the Sinners' chair, where he sat down, crossing his legs casually.
"Let's rock and roll, Bro!"
Insert bit about "Free will" and take apart book of Genesis
The anger radiating from the audience was palpable. Getting up from the Sinners' seat, Carrot walked confidently to the front of the stage, Bible in hand. He stopped when he was nearly in spitting range of the front row, as the security guards struggled to keep the baying throng in check. Opening the Bible to the book of Genesis, he ripped it out, tore it in half and flung it into the air. As the pieces floated back down like confetti, he critically surveyed the audience and said,
"This is complete and utter pants!"
The audience went beserk and rushed the stage trying to rip Carrot limb from limb. The security guards struggled to keep the mob back, firing Tazers indescriminately. One big guy, face contorted with rage, managed to break through the security guards, clambered on stage left and rushed at Pooh Carrot. Pooh Carrot stood there, not giving ground as he weighed up the onrushing assailant.
"You filthy heathen bastard! I'm gonna wipe that smug smile off your face".
When he got within striking distance, he unleashed a killer haymaker of a punch. Time seemed to freeze as the blow arched towards Carrot's head, but at the last moment Carrot's left arm shot up parrying the blow, and his balled right fist delivered a ferocious straight jab, connecting with the attacker's chin and virtually lifting him off the ground. He was unconscious before he hit the stage and lay sprawled in the remains of Genesis.
"Here endeth the first lesson," said Carrot, and with a shrug of his shoulders, he turned his back on the audience and sauntered nonchalantly back to his seat.
Brother Sjoerd, mouth gaping, stared at Pooh Carrot.
"Sinner Carrot! You do realise for that little stunt of desecration I could have you instanty executed?"
"No, you couldn't. That would be breaking the rules of your own game. If you tried to have me executed, you'd lose all credibility and this show would be finished. Not to mention the fact that you'd make me into a martyr. The only way to kill me, is if 66.6% of people vote for for my death. So let's vote Bro!"
Brother Sjoerd turned to the hostile crowd,
"Brothers and Sisters, it's voting time. Should Sinner Carrot be burned to death, stoned to death, or has he, dare I say, convinced anyone in the world that he has repented and his life should be spared? You have three minutes to vote, starting from now. While the votes are being processed, let's hear a word from our sponsors."
During the commercial break, a digital scoreboard had been wheeled onto the stage proclaiming the three options of "Burning", "Stoning " or "Repented".
"Welcome back Brothers and Sisters. Now it's time to look at the old scoreboard and see just how you all voted. First, let's have the votes for "Burning".
Next to the word "Burning" the numbers started rising. First 10%, then 20%, then 25% as the figures started to slow down. 30% was reached but the numbers were really slowing down now, then a red light came on and the "Hallelujahs" sounded indicating a final total of 32.7%.
"Oh dear Sinner Carrot. By my reckoning that leaves 67.3% of votes left, over the Devil's majority. It looks like your time in this world will soon be at an end."
Pooh Carrot looked non-plussed.
"It ain't over till the fat lady sings, you know."
"True Sinner Carrot. But if I were you I'd start believing in miracles. Now let's have the votes for "Stoning."
Next to the word "Stoning" the numbers started rising rapidly without showing any sign of slowing down. 40% was reached, then 50%, then 60% and only then did the numbers start to slow. 65% was reached, then 66%, as Brother Sjoerd sat there with a smile playing across his lips.
The crowd, having been threatened with arrest by the Religious Police during the commercial break, had calmed down, but were now clapping and cheering, for surely the Sinner would soon be dead.
The scoreboard's red light flashed, the "Hallelujahs" sounded and the final total for "Stoning" was displayed. The crowd went suddenly quiet, and Brother Sjoerd stared disbelievingly at the figure - 66.4%!
"Impossible! Let's have the votes for "Repented". The figures rose for a second then stopped at 0.9%
"Well, Sinner Carrot, truly unbelievable! But it looks like you've escaped for another week."
Turning to the audience one last time, Brother Sjoerd completed the show's closing lines,
"Brothers and Sisters, Sinner Carrot will be back again next week so make sure you are too. May God go with you and may the good Lord Jesus protect you. A-men."
The credits rolled as two billion holovision viewers sat dumfounded, staring incredulously at their screens.