Judgement Day - Repent or die Week 3
"Bring forth the Sinner! Bring forth the Sinner!"
The chorus of boos and jeers as Pooh Carrot emmerged was almost deafening. Pooh Carrot looked at the audience, the vast majority of whom were wearing "Heathen Bastard" T-shirts. He theatrically bowed to them, causing the jeering to rise a few decibels in volume. He himself, had swapped his black T-shirt for a white one depicting a picture of a sheep and the words "Free will?" inscribed below. After taking his seat in the Sinners' chair the cries of derision continued. It took several attempts by Brother Sjoerd to calm them, before a modicum of silence was reached.
"Sinner Carrot, I can't say it's a pleasure to welcome you back, because you are an odious human being and evil incarnate, and if anyone on this planet deserves to die, it's you, but we must adhere to the rules of the game and ensure God's justice is carried out."
"And I love you too, Bro."
"So what flights of fancy do you have to entertain us with tonight?"
"I'm sure I'll think of something. However, before we start, I'd just like to make one thing perfectly clear. I do not totally disagree with everything the Bible says. There is a lot of very good, powerful stuff in it. I agree with the majority of the Ten Commandments, and if you ignore the scientifically impossible magic tricks, Jesus seems like a decent dude who talked a lot of good sense."
"You have the gall to refer to Christ's miracles as magic tricks, and the Son of God as a "decent dude"?! Have you no shame, Sinner Carrot?"
"I'm ashamed to say, no."
This witticism brought a little titter from some members of the audience, but was instantly curtailed by Brother Sjoerd's angry look.
"I'm sure you have been informed of the rule change for tonight's programme. Due to popular demand, there are now only two options to vote for, that of "Stoning" or "Repented". Of course the Devil's majority of 66.6% has still to be reached, but I fear the will result will be a forgone conclusion. So make the most of your last hour of existence, before the welcoming fires of Hell and eternal damnation are your just reward. And for your information, Sinner Carrot, today is your third time on the programme. It might interest you to know that nobody, in the fifteen years that this progamme has been running has survived past day three. We jokingly refer to this day as "Judgement Day". So good luck. I'm sure you'll need it."
"Can I just clarify a couple of things from the Bible first?"
"Of course you may. Fire away."
"In the Creation story, God created all the animals on one day. He didn't create anymore another time, did he?"
"That is correct."
"So God created two dogs and they had puppies, and their puppies had puppies etc etc. Then the dogs evolved to match their environmental surroundings, leading us to this day where there are Great Danes and Chihuahuas, both of which are classed as dogs?"
"Sadly for you, you have read the Bible but haven't quite grasped the true meaning. There is no such thing as evolution. Charles Darwin is regarded as an apostle of the Devil. His obscene heretical views were discredited many years ago. Nobody believes in that evolutionary nonsense in our modern world."
"No evolution?!"
"No!"
So God created each breed of dog individually, then?"
"That would be the logical assumption."
"There are over three hundred different types of dog."
"If that's how many there are, yes."
"I got that figure from the on-line encyclopedia, godipia, so I trust it's correct?"
"It will be."
"You're saying that four and a half billion years ago God created all the animals, and the dinosaurs, and nothing has evolved since then?"
Brother Sjoerd and the audience burst out laughing.
"Sinner Carrot, you do jest at times. Where on earth did you get that four and a half billion years figure from? Most amusing! However, everyone on this planet knows the world is just over six thousand years old."
"Eh?!"
"Using the Bible, it can be calculated that God created the world a mere six thousand years ago."
"You're stark raving bonkers! You can't seriously believe that, can you?"
Brother Sjoerd just sat there, smiling saintly.
"Good God! You DO believe it, don't you? You seriously and actually believe the world is only six thousand years old. That means that you believe that man and the dinosaurs co-existed together. Well, if that's the case, why are there no dinosaurs mentioned in the Bible? I mean, come on, they were pretty damn big, pretty hard to miss, I'd say. If they weren't wiped out by a meteor strike, what happened to them?"
"Ah, Sinner Carrot, if you had read the Bible properly, you would have known about the great deluge God sent. The flood that carved out the Grand Canyon in the United States. The flood that covered the whole world beneath water for forty days and nights. The very same flood that killed off all the dinosaurs. You must remember that at the time of the flood, mankind had only just begun and only inhabited a very small area of the world. Dinosaurs co-existed together with man, but there is no mention of them in the Bible because they inhabited lands that man had yet to set foot in."
"Is this flood you're talking about the one with Noah and his Ark?"
"Oh, well done."
"And you believe the Noah's Ark story too?"
"Naturally!"
"Please correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't the Noah story go something like this, God told Noah to build an Ark for he was going to send a flood. God also told Noah to round up two of every living creature to go in this Ark."
"Spot on!"
"It all makes perfect sense to me now. All the animals mentioned in the Bible are indigenous to the Middle East, and because dinosaurs didn't live in the Middle East, there is no mention of them. That explains why Noah didn't round up two veloceraptors and two brontasauruses."
"Precisely!"
"So how do you explain the existence of kangaroos? Or Pandas? Or llamas? Or polar bears? None of these animals are mentioned in the Bible. None of these animals are indigenous to the Middle East. And you yourself said that man had not yet set foot in the lands where these animals live. These animals all exist today, so how is it possible for these animals to have been on the Ark? If they hadn't been on the Ark, they'd have gone the same way as the dinosaurs, wouldn't they?"
Brother Sjoerd looked taken aback and a buzz of noise erupted from the audience. Then, for the first time in the programme's history, Brother Sjoerd stumbled on his words.
"I...um...that is..um...obviously...er...all the creatures on the Ark were living in close proximity to man."
"But not the dinosaurs?"
"No!"
"How bizarre! So after the waters had receded, kangaroos, koala bears, wombats and duck billed platypuses, (or is that platypi?) disembarked from the Ark on Mount Ararat in Turkey and made their way overland to Australia, where they only exist today, having to swim the last remaining distance because Australia is an island."
"Um...Probably!"
"Can Koala bears and kangaroos swim?"
"I don't know."
"And Noah lived to be over six hundred years old?"
"Yes!"
"Remarkable! On this Ark then, because you say evolution does not exist, there must have been over six hundred dogs, four hundred sheep, and one thousand six hundred cattle. Incidently, these figures I got from godipidia, which you have already stated is accurate."
And I didn't want to get rid of Dot-C coz it's easy to write funny dialogue between a nagging Dot-C and Pooh Carrot, as will be demonstrated later this evening when I post more of the R O D wk 2 chapter. 
