The Amazing Adventures Of Captain Pooh Carrot
- Thread starter poohcarrot
- Start date
Judgment Day cont...
Pooh Carrot returned to the Sinners' seat and sat down.
"I believe, Bro, that it is the time in the programme for me to ask some questions, so here's the first one. If the Earth is only six thousand years old as you claim, why, after four thousand years, did God send his only Son to walk with man?"
"A simple answer. God sent Jesus because mankind had wandered from the path of righteousness. Mankind was no longer following the word of God as written in the Bible."
"An interesting answer, but you are wrong."
"Wrong?"
"Yes, wrong. I was there don't forget."
"So what is your explanation then, oh wise one?"
"The first part of what you said is correct, in that God sent Jesus because mankind had wandered from the path of righteousness. The second part of what you said is incorrect, for mankind was STILL following the word of God as written in the Bible. However, God's message had been distorted by man over the years, so that what the Bible purported to be the true word of God, wasn't. It was in fact only the word of man. The word of God had been subverted and changed so many times that it bore no resemblance to the original message."
"You lie!"
"You know the game "Chinese whispers"? Where ten people stand in a line, then the first person whispers a phrase to the second, who in turn whispers it to the third, then the fourth. By the time the phrase has reached the end of the line, it has completely changed and bears no resemblance to the original. That is exactly what had happened to the Bible over four thousand years. Mankind was still worshipping God, but was worshipping God according to the the guidelines laid down in the Bible. These guidelines were wrong because they had been written by man. Jesus was sent to reaffirm the original message."
"What did mankind change in the Old Testament?"
"Everything. The God of the Old testament is a jealous, arrogant and vindictive God who condones incest, rape and killing. The New testament God is a God of love and forgiveness, who preaches tolerance and peace. In the Old Testament it's an "eye for an eye", in the New Testament it's "Love your enemies and turn the other cheek." In the Old Testament accumulating wealth is good, in the New Testament Jesus says it's "easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get into Heaven." Now which of the two God's do you believe to be the real one?
"Why did mankind change the Bible over the years?"
"Mainly for politics and greed. When mankind had strayed from the path of righteousness previously and had stopped worshipping God, God destroyed everyone with a flood and started again. Two thousand years ago, although mankind was not worshipping God correctly, it was still worshipping God, unlike in the time of Noah. So God sent Jesus to point everyone in the correct direction."
"And I trust you will give me examples of this political tinkering, will you?"
"Certainly. One hundred and fifty years ago what did the Bible say were the Ten Commandments, in particular Commandments six, eight and ten?"
"Thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal and thou shalt not covet."
"Correct. Does anybody actually speak like that nowadays?"
"Of course not. That's why they were changed to more modern English."
"What are those Commandments now?"
"You shall not murder, you shall not steal and you shall not covet."
"Does anybody actually know what the word "covet" means? It's hardly used in day to day conversation, is it?"
"Everyone who is a Christian knows, I can assure you."
"So the "thou shalt nots" got changed to "You shall nots" to make it easier to understand?"
"Correct!"
"Why was the word "kill" changed to the word "murder"? Surely everybody knows what the word "kill" means, don't they? The word "Kill" is not old English. There was absolutely no reason to change that word unless there was an ulterior motive"
"What's in a word? They both mean the same."
Pooh Carrot jumped up from his seat.
"They DO NOT mean the same in the slightest! If it was the word "kill" it would mean that capital punishment would be wrong in God's eyes. It would mean waging wars would be against God's wishes. It would mean that this very programme would be an insult to God. The word was changed to politically justify the Death Penalty and allow countries to pursue wars of aggression. That's political tinkering. God intended the Commandment to be "You shall not and must not kill any other human being, for whatever reason, ever." But that didn't allow countries to execute people, or invade other countries, so it was deliberately changed to justify these actions."
"You said two examples. What is the second?"
"This second tinkering goes to the very heart of the longest battle of all time. The battle of the sexes. The Bible was written by men, not women. Men wanted to have control and dominance over women for all time. That's why in Genesis it states that man will rule over women. That is not what God said. Genesis also says God created man in his own image, thus implying that God is male. God is not male. Neither is God female. God is asexual. If God is anything, he is everything. Everything has an opposite. God is light and He is dark, God is hot and He is cold, God is love and He is hate. God is inclusive, not exclusive. God is everything. Claiming one sex is more powerful than the other is wrong. Both sexes are equal in God's eyes. According to the first book of Timothy, "Do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent." Just how sexist can you get? That is completely and utterly against what God wants."
Pooh Carrot returned to the Sinners' seat and sat down.
"I believe, Bro, that it is the time in the programme for me to ask some questions, so here's the first one. If the Earth is only six thousand years old as you claim, why, after four thousand years, did God send his only Son to walk with man?"
"A simple answer. God sent Jesus because mankind had wandered from the path of righteousness. Mankind was no longer following the word of God as written in the Bible."
"An interesting answer, but you are wrong."
"Wrong?"
"Yes, wrong. I was there don't forget."
"So what is your explanation then, oh wise one?"
"The first part of what you said is correct, in that God sent Jesus because mankind had wandered from the path of righteousness. The second part of what you said is incorrect, for mankind was STILL following the word of God as written in the Bible. However, God's message had been distorted by man over the years, so that what the Bible purported to be the true word of God, wasn't. It was in fact only the word of man. The word of God had been subverted and changed so many times that it bore no resemblance to the original message."
"You lie!"
"You know the game "Chinese whispers"? Where ten people stand in a line, then the first person whispers a phrase to the second, who in turn whispers it to the third, then the fourth. By the time the phrase has reached the end of the line, it has completely changed and bears no resemblance to the original. That is exactly what had happened to the Bible over four thousand years. Mankind was still worshipping God, but was worshipping God according to the the guidelines laid down in the Bible. These guidelines were wrong because they had been written by man. Jesus was sent to reaffirm the original message."
"What did mankind change in the Old Testament?"
"Everything. The God of the Old testament is a jealous, arrogant and vindictive God who condones incest, rape and killing. The New testament God is a God of love and forgiveness, who preaches tolerance and peace. In the Old Testament it's an "eye for an eye", in the New Testament it's "Love your enemies and turn the other cheek." In the Old Testament accumulating wealth is good, in the New Testament Jesus says it's "easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get into Heaven." Now which of the two God's do you believe to be the real one?
"Why did mankind change the Bible over the years?"
"Mainly for politics and greed. When mankind had strayed from the path of righteousness previously and had stopped worshipping God, God destroyed everyone with a flood and started again. Two thousand years ago, although mankind was not worshipping God correctly, it was still worshipping God, unlike in the time of Noah. So God sent Jesus to point everyone in the correct direction."
"And I trust you will give me examples of this political tinkering, will you?"
"Certainly. One hundred and fifty years ago what did the Bible say were the Ten Commandments, in particular Commandments six, eight and ten?"
"Thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal and thou shalt not covet."
"Correct. Does anybody actually speak like that nowadays?"
"Of course not. That's why they were changed to more modern English."
"What are those Commandments now?"
"You shall not murder, you shall not steal and you shall not covet."
"Does anybody actually know what the word "covet" means? It's hardly used in day to day conversation, is it?"
"Everyone who is a Christian knows, I can assure you."
"So the "thou shalt nots" got changed to "You shall nots" to make it easier to understand?"
"Correct!"
"Why was the word "kill" changed to the word "murder"? Surely everybody knows what the word "kill" means, don't they? The word "Kill" is not old English. There was absolutely no reason to change that word unless there was an ulterior motive"
"What's in a word? They both mean the same."
Pooh Carrot jumped up from his seat.
"They DO NOT mean the same in the slightest! If it was the word "kill" it would mean that capital punishment would be wrong in God's eyes. It would mean waging wars would be against God's wishes. It would mean that this very programme would be an insult to God. The word was changed to politically justify the Death Penalty and allow countries to pursue wars of aggression. That's political tinkering. God intended the Commandment to be "You shall not and must not kill any other human being, for whatever reason, ever." But that didn't allow countries to execute people, or invade other countries, so it was deliberately changed to justify these actions."
"You said two examples. What is the second?"
"This second tinkering goes to the very heart of the longest battle of all time. The battle of the sexes. The Bible was written by men, not women. Men wanted to have control and dominance over women for all time. That's why in Genesis it states that man will rule over women. That is not what God said. Genesis also says God created man in his own image, thus implying that God is male. God is not male. Neither is God female. God is asexual. If God is anything, he is everything. Everything has an opposite. God is light and He is dark, God is hot and He is cold, God is love and He is hate. God is inclusive, not exclusive. God is everything. Claiming one sex is more powerful than the other is wrong. Both sexes are equal in God's eyes. According to the first book of Timothy, "Do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent." Just how sexist can you get? That is completely and utterly against what God wants."
After Jesus died (etc) Mary Magdalen is supposed to have gone all evangelical with the apostles and became something like John the Baptist - she had a career change and was a preacher at some stage anyway. Plenty of female martyrs too so they didn't exactly stay at home the whole time, they were out with the guys spreading the word too 
But then according to Dan Brown MM also got busy having kids and playing house with Jesus so who's to know where he really stood on equality - he certainly didn't discourage females from hearing his message or castigate 'working girls' like MM. The early church liked sinners of any gender
But then according to Dan Brown MM also got busy having kids and playing house with Jesus so who's to know where he really stood on equality - he certainly didn't discourage females from hearing his message or castigate 'working girls' like MM. The early church liked sinners of any gender
All this speculating...
It's the same with poems. I had a very good literature teacher, who - after having read a poem - always asked what we thought about it, and if someone'd say "I think the poet wanted to say...", she'd always say: "You can't know what the poet was thinking when he wrote this. Were you there when he did? No. So I want to hear your thoughts about it..."
After all this I wouldn't be the slightest bit surprised if it turned out that the Bible was written by some adventurer with too much fantasy and even more spare time...
It's the same with poems. I had a very good literature teacher, who - after having read a poem - always asked what we thought about it, and if someone'd say "I think the poet wanted to say...", she'd always say: "You can't know what the poet was thinking when he wrote this. Were you there when he did? No. So I want to hear your thoughts about it..."
After all this I wouldn't be the slightest bit surprised if it turned out that the Bible was written by some adventurer with too much fantasy and even more spare time...
(Just a little bit leading on to a big bit.)
Judgment Day cont...
The audience, who had been stunned by the miracles, were hanging on every word. Suddenly there was a brief skirmish near the front and a figure stood up. It was a woman, and she was dressed appropriately in the regulation head scarf that all women had to wear should they venture out of the house. The man she was obviously with was trying desperately to get her to sit down, but she was having none of it. The woman started to slowly clap. Holovision cameras zoomed in on her just in time to see a burly security guard point his Taser at her and fire. The woman collapsed in a whimpering heap and other security guards picked up her twitching body and carried her away. Brother Sjoerd strode to the front of the stage and pointed at the man.
"Was that your wife?"
The man was terrified.
"Y-y-y-yes, Br-brother."
"Have you no control over her?"
"I-I'm sorry Brother. I didn't know she was going to do that."
"She is your property, so you must take full responsibility for her actions. Guards, take this man away and hand him to the Religious Police. I want him charged under the Dangerous Pets act. Nobody interrupts this show.
Judgment Day cont...
The audience, who had been stunned by the miracles, were hanging on every word. Suddenly there was a brief skirmish near the front and a figure stood up. It was a woman, and she was dressed appropriately in the regulation head scarf that all women had to wear should they venture out of the house. The man she was obviously with was trying desperately to get her to sit down, but she was having none of it. The woman started to slowly clap. Holovision cameras zoomed in on her just in time to see a burly security guard point his Taser at her and fire. The woman collapsed in a whimpering heap and other security guards picked up her twitching body and carried her away. Brother Sjoerd strode to the front of the stage and pointed at the man.
"Was that your wife?"
The man was terrified.
"Y-y-y-yes, Br-brother."
"Have you no control over her?"
"I-I'm sorry Brother. I didn't know she was going to do that."
"She is your property, so you must take full responsibility for her actions. Guards, take this man away and hand him to the Religious Police. I want him charged under the Dangerous Pets act. Nobody interrupts this show.
(Pulpit bit not done yet)
Judgment Day - end
Upon arrival back in the secure room, Pooh Carrot was greeted by Dot-C, who this time wasn't scowling.
"Not bad, Carrot. You could have done better, but at least you survived."
"Ta, Dot-C, high praise indeed."
"Can I have my skin back now? I feel naked without it."
Pooh Carrot put his thumb and forefinger on the corner of his Bible, slowly peeled off the thin membrane and handed it carefully to Dot-C. She rolled up her sleeve to reveal a rectangular red patch on her arm, where she affixed the membrane back in place.
"Once the guy had touched the Bible and you had his fingerprints, was it easy to access the data on him?"
"Simplicity itself, Carrot! As I said before, this planet's scientific progress has been stunted because of religion. It's years behind ours. Hacking into their computers was a doddle. Their defence systems are laughable."
"I'll tell you one thing, though, this mole mic doesn't half tickle when you speak into it. When you were reading the Bible verses to me, it was all I could do to stop sticking my finger into my ear and wiggling it about."
"You're always moaning, aren't you?"
"Not all the time, thank you very much. And what the hell was with that excessive use of force used on that poor woman who applauded me? Somewhat of an over reaction wouldn't you say?"
"In all the time you've been here, Carrot, you haven't left this room, apart from when you go gallivanting off to make an exhibition of yourself on holovision. All you've been doing is studying the Bible to try to discredit it. It's now time for a brief history lesson, but first, let me test you on the history of our world. Can you tell me what happened at the start of the twenty first century back home?"
""The early part of the twenty first century? Well, in 2009 most of the world's banks went belly up due to liquidity problems. In their greed they had been lending money they didn't possess, and printing and selling bonds made of fairy gold, that weren't worth the paper they were printed on. The whole house of cards collapsed, causing the Great depression of the twenty-teens. Unemployment soared as the capitalist system self-imploded. At the height of the Depression, in 2017, John Lennon published his book, "All you need is love". This book advocated moving away from the greed of the capitalist system to a sharing society where full employment, not profit, was the bottom line. This book went on to become the greatest selling book of all time and caused a sea-change in world opinion. Religion was shunned and one by one the world's religions disappeared, to be replaced by a belief in your fellow man, rather than belief in an invisible and non-existent supreme being. The "Me-generation" died out, and from the ashes of capitalism rose the society we have today, where helping your brother and sister is more important than making money, love is more important than greed, and peace is the most important thing of all."
"Exactly! But on this world John Lennon was assassinated so he never got to write that book."
"What happened then?"
"When the banks started having problems, in an effort to shore up capitalism, governments pumped massive amounts of public money into the banking system. This led to huge deficits because it was tax payers' money that was given to the banks. Governments everywhere then had to slash budgets to balance the books. This caused massive unemployment, for all infrastructure building projects and government services to the needy were dramatically cut, but the capitalist system was still in place. In times of trouble people turn to religion and the Creationists exploited this. As the world population became poorer and the money supply shrank because people didn't have jobs, the churches, led by the Creationists, set up soup kitchens to feed the poor and starving, and in the process, converted many people to their cause. By 2019 the Depression still showed no signs of ending and when Creationist political parties sprang up in Europe and the US, promising hope and to get rid of unemployment at a stroke, people listened. Throughout the Western world in 2020, Creationist parties simultaneously came to power on a wave of popularism and religious fervour in most countries."
"And did they get rid of unemployment at a stroke?"
"Actually, yes they did. The Creationist governments of the leading industrialized nations worked together and on Easter Monday 2021, they all passed the same law, the "Emancipation of Women" Act."
"That means freedom, doesn't it? Freedom for women? That's hardly sticking to Biblical principles, is it?"
"The "Emancipation of Women" Act was Orwellian in nature. Women were freed from the drudgery of work, in other words they were prohibited from working, anywhere. All women were replaced in their jobs by men thus making unemployment a thing of the past. Women were also freed from the onerous task of having to chat with a lot of other women, in other words women were banned from congregating in groups of more than three. Women were freed from the choice of what to do with their hair when they went outside the house, in other words they were forced to wear head scarves in public. Women were freed from the hassle of going to the police in cases of wife-battery, in other words husbands could beat up their wives without fear of prosecution. And just for good measure, women were banned from driving and disenfranchised too."
"I bet that wasn't too popular!"
"You're dead right there. But it was a lot more popular than you'd expect. In most countries there was over half the population that agreed with it. Women fought back and staged massive protests in all the countries where the law had been passed, but to no avail. These protests were monitored by the authorities, the participants identified, and usually, in the small hours of the morning, the protestors received a knock at their front door and were carted off to "Re-education camps" where they were systematically brainwashed, then returned to society as docile shadows of their former selves. To finally seal the deal, the "Dangerous Pets" Act was passed in 2025, classing women in the same category as dogs, making the husband responsible should his wife ever step out of line."
"Wow! Looks like I hit a raw nerve with my comments"
"More like pouring salt into a festering, gangrenous wound."
"Anyhoos, enough of women's problems, I've got a few of my own, if you may recall. You've had time to check the god-net so what's new on planet fruitcake?"
"Heathen Bastard T-shirts!"
"Still selling well are they?"
"The original one is still doing a roaring trade, but the new one, the one you were wearing today, has so far received orders even surpassing the original. The interesting thing about the orders is that the smaller sizes are selling the most. This leads me to believe they are being bought mainly by women. I would hazard a guess that a lot of women are unhappy with their lot and are buying the new T-shirt as a protest against the authorities"
"Still no chance of me getting a cut?"
"Nope! There are currently demonstrations in some cities against you, but they aren't as well attended as last week and not so vociferous. The interesting thing in looking at holovision pictures of last week's demos compared to this week's, is the number of female attendees. Last week there were probably about 30% of women involved, this week women are conspicuous by their absence."
"Any rule changes to the programme?"
"Didn't I mention that? How remiss of me. Yes, there has been one change. Next week the Devil's majority had been reduced to 50.1%"
"Oh, wonderful! Just what I need. Any other bombshells you're going to drop on me, Dot-C?"
"Just one more."
"Hit me with it, then."
"You know when Brother Sjoerd grabbed your Bible to check the Bible quote?"
"You checked out his fingerprints too, didn't you? Has he got a dark past? Is he choirboy buggerer, or possibly a Devil worshipper?"
"Um...no. You know I'm a robot yet look human in almost every way? What is the foolproof method of telling if I'm a robot or human."
"Your fingerprints on every finger are exactly the same. You can't possibly be saying that Brother Sjoerd is a robot too?"
"Not only is he a robot, but his prints are exactly the same as mine."
"What?"
"The chances of this happening completely by accident are billions to one. The only explanation must be that he was created in the same factory that I was. That means he's from our world."
"So what's he doing here?"
"I have absolutely no idea!"
Judgment Day - end
Upon arrival back in the secure room, Pooh Carrot was greeted by Dot-C, who this time wasn't scowling.
"Not bad, Carrot. You could have done better, but at least you survived."
"Ta, Dot-C, high praise indeed."
"Can I have my skin back now? I feel naked without it."
Pooh Carrot put his thumb and forefinger on the corner of his Bible, slowly peeled off the thin membrane and handed it carefully to Dot-C. She rolled up her sleeve to reveal a rectangular red patch on her arm, where she affixed the membrane back in place.
"Once the guy had touched the Bible and you had his fingerprints, was it easy to access the data on him?"
"Simplicity itself, Carrot! As I said before, this planet's scientific progress has been stunted because of religion. It's years behind ours. Hacking into their computers was a doddle. Their defence systems are laughable."
"I'll tell you one thing, though, this mole mic doesn't half tickle when you speak into it. When you were reading the Bible verses to me, it was all I could do to stop sticking my finger into my ear and wiggling it about."
"You're always moaning, aren't you?"
"Not all the time, thank you very much. And what the hell was with that excessive use of force used on that poor woman who applauded me? Somewhat of an over reaction wouldn't you say?"
"In all the time you've been here, Carrot, you haven't left this room, apart from when you go gallivanting off to make an exhibition of yourself on holovision. All you've been doing is studying the Bible to try to discredit it. It's now time for a brief history lesson, but first, let me test you on the history of our world. Can you tell me what happened at the start of the twenty first century back home?"
""The early part of the twenty first century? Well, in 2009 most of the world's banks went belly up due to liquidity problems. In their greed they had been lending money they didn't possess, and printing and selling bonds made of fairy gold, that weren't worth the paper they were printed on. The whole house of cards collapsed, causing the Great depression of the twenty-teens. Unemployment soared as the capitalist system self-imploded. At the height of the Depression, in 2017, John Lennon published his book, "All you need is love". This book advocated moving away from the greed of the capitalist system to a sharing society where full employment, not profit, was the bottom line. This book went on to become the greatest selling book of all time and caused a sea-change in world opinion. Religion was shunned and one by one the world's religions disappeared, to be replaced by a belief in your fellow man, rather than belief in an invisible and non-existent supreme being. The "Me-generation" died out, and from the ashes of capitalism rose the society we have today, where helping your brother and sister is more important than making money, love is more important than greed, and peace is the most important thing of all."
"Exactly! But on this world John Lennon was assassinated so he never got to write that book."
"What happened then?"
"When the banks started having problems, in an effort to shore up capitalism, governments pumped massive amounts of public money into the banking system. This led to huge deficits because it was tax payers' money that was given to the banks. Governments everywhere then had to slash budgets to balance the books. This caused massive unemployment, for all infrastructure building projects and government services to the needy were dramatically cut, but the capitalist system was still in place. In times of trouble people turn to religion and the Creationists exploited this. As the world population became poorer and the money supply shrank because people didn't have jobs, the churches, led by the Creationists, set up soup kitchens to feed the poor and starving, and in the process, converted many people to their cause. By 2019 the Depression still showed no signs of ending and when Creationist political parties sprang up in Europe and the US, promising hope and to get rid of unemployment at a stroke, people listened. Throughout the Western world in 2020, Creationist parties simultaneously came to power on a wave of popularism and religious fervour in most countries."
"And did they get rid of unemployment at a stroke?"
"Actually, yes they did. The Creationist governments of the leading industrialized nations worked together and on Easter Monday 2021, they all passed the same law, the "Emancipation of Women" Act."
"That means freedom, doesn't it? Freedom for women? That's hardly sticking to Biblical principles, is it?"
"The "Emancipation of Women" Act was Orwellian in nature. Women were freed from the drudgery of work, in other words they were prohibited from working, anywhere. All women were replaced in their jobs by men thus making unemployment a thing of the past. Women were also freed from the onerous task of having to chat with a lot of other women, in other words women were banned from congregating in groups of more than three. Women were freed from the choice of what to do with their hair when they went outside the house, in other words they were forced to wear head scarves in public. Women were freed from the hassle of going to the police in cases of wife-battery, in other words husbands could beat up their wives without fear of prosecution. And just for good measure, women were banned from driving and disenfranchised too."
"I bet that wasn't too popular!"
"You're dead right there. But it was a lot more popular than you'd expect. In most countries there was over half the population that agreed with it. Women fought back and staged massive protests in all the countries where the law had been passed, but to no avail. These protests were monitored by the authorities, the participants identified, and usually, in the small hours of the morning, the protestors received a knock at their front door and were carted off to "Re-education camps" where they were systematically brainwashed, then returned to society as docile shadows of their former selves. To finally seal the deal, the "Dangerous Pets" Act was passed in 2025, classing women in the same category as dogs, making the husband responsible should his wife ever step out of line."
"Wow! Looks like I hit a raw nerve with my comments"
"More like pouring salt into a festering, gangrenous wound."
"Anyhoos, enough of women's problems, I've got a few of my own, if you may recall. You've had time to check the god-net so what's new on planet fruitcake?"
"Heathen Bastard T-shirts!"
"Still selling well are they?"
"The original one is still doing a roaring trade, but the new one, the one you were wearing today, has so far received orders even surpassing the original. The interesting thing about the orders is that the smaller sizes are selling the most. This leads me to believe they are being bought mainly by women. I would hazard a guess that a lot of women are unhappy with their lot and are buying the new T-shirt as a protest against the authorities"
"Still no chance of me getting a cut?"
"Nope! There are currently demonstrations in some cities against you, but they aren't as well attended as last week and not so vociferous. The interesting thing in looking at holovision pictures of last week's demos compared to this week's, is the number of female attendees. Last week there were probably about 30% of women involved, this week women are conspicuous by their absence."
"Any rule changes to the programme?"
"Didn't I mention that? How remiss of me. Yes, there has been one change. Next week the Devil's majority had been reduced to 50.1%"
"Oh, wonderful! Just what I need. Any other bombshells you're going to drop on me, Dot-C?"
"Just one more."
"Hit me with it, then."
"You know when Brother Sjoerd grabbed your Bible to check the Bible quote?"
"You checked out his fingerprints too, didn't you? Has he got a dark past? Is he choirboy buggerer, or possibly a Devil worshipper?"
"Um...no. You know I'm a robot yet look human in almost every way? What is the foolproof method of telling if I'm a robot or human."
"Your fingerprints on every finger are exactly the same. You can't possibly be saying that Brother Sjoerd is a robot too?"
"Not only is he a robot, but his prints are exactly the same as mine."
"What?"
"The chances of this happening completely by accident are billions to one. The only explanation must be that he was created in the same factory that I was. That means he's from our world."
"So what's he doing here?"
"I have absolutely no idea!"
An Admission
I was going to spend three chapters slagging off the Bible - but that wouldn't have been interesting, so I was going to give up. However, like the Patricians Death I wrote in the Broken Drum, this story is writing itself. On Saturday I had no idea what I was going to write. It's Friday now and very shortly I'm going to post the second chapter. None of what I've written this week was planned in advance. I just wrote and it came out. It's bizarre.
The question I'd like to know though is, what do you honestly think about it?
I was going to spend three chapters slagging off the Bible - but that wouldn't have been interesting, so I was going to give up. However, like the Patricians Death I wrote in the Broken Drum, this story is writing itself. On Saturday I had no idea what I was going to write. It's Friday now and very shortly I'm going to post the second chapter. None of what I've written this week was planned in advance. I just wrote and it came out. It's bizarre.
The question I'd like to know though is, what do you honestly think about it?
The fact that it's starting to take its own direction is a very good indication that you've got something that's got you intrigued with the story itself, which means that your readership is going to get something more than they expect as well. I would have expected you to be having a jolly good rant at Genesis and Exodus etc, but you're doing other things as well and examining why and what your characters are doing in there - Dot-C in particular is making PC more interesting and becoming his partner and guide more, instead of keeping to the nagging straight-droid for the comedy elements (whilst still being funny).
Writing needs discipline and commitment and some of that means research and plotting etc, but you're also creating something and too much rigid structure will keep you from exploring openings that aren't expected and could be very exciting and far more interesting to follow that you could have catered for. Some writers like sticking to a tried and tested formula and if something works then fine, but how long do you go on with that before you start losing interest? Some stories are better for not being mapped out to the nth degree, because life isn't like that and books that aren't about life ultimately do not catch at peoples imaginations or emotions.
I'm enjoying it so far and part of that's because you're obviously enjoying it too. So keep at it
Writing needs discipline and commitment and some of that means research and plotting etc, but you're also creating something and too much rigid structure will keep you from exploring openings that aren't expected and could be very exciting and far more interesting to follow that you could have catered for. Some writers like sticking to a tried and tested formula and if something works then fine, but how long do you go on with that before you start losing interest? Some stories are better for not being mapped out to the nth degree, because life isn't like that and books that aren't about life ultimately do not catch at peoples imaginations or emotions.
I'm enjoying it so far and part of that's because you're obviously enjoying it too. So keep at it
Owing to the fact that I'm making it up as I go along, whatever I said would happen before, probably won't happen, or if it does, will happen sooner than expected. The next chapter's called "Brother Sjoerd" and will include the "fifth" law of robotics - and will continue the pattern of lower-numbered laws superseding in importance the higher-numbered laws
1.A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
2.A robot must obey any orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
3.A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.
4.The "Zeroth Law"— a robot must not merely act in the interests of individual humans, but of all humanity.
The next chapter's called "Brother Sjoerd" and will include the "fifth" law of robotics - and will continue the pattern of lower-numbered laws superseding in importance the higher-numbered laws1.A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
2.A robot must obey any orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
3.A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.
4.The "Zeroth Law"— a robot must not merely act in the interests of individual humans, but of all humanity.
Brother Sjoerd - middle bit
"Ah! Sinner Carrot! How nice of you to take the time out of your busy schedule to pay me a visit. Do take a seat.
"As if I had a choice?"
"We all have choices, Sinner, but if we put our faith in Jesus, he will guide us on the true path. Sadly for you, the Devil is your decision-maker."
"Yeah, whatever!"
"You intrigue me, Sinner. Did you know the ratings for the last "Repent or die" created holovision history? Nearly three and a half billion people logged on, smashing the old record by half a billion which, ironically enough, was set just last week with your second appearance on the programme. It would seem that the world finds you intriguing too, yet, as you so rightly pointed out during the programme, nobody on the planet knows the first thing about you. Not only is this strange, but also completely impossible. Everyone is finger printed and has DNA samples taken at birth. We have checked yours and there is no trace of you. I would be most grateful if you would elucidate as to how this is possible?"
"Like I said, I'm sent from heaven. I'm the second coming of Jesus."
Brother Sjoerd opened a drawer in his desk, brought out a nasty looking weapon and pointed at Pooh Carrot's head.
"This is a modified Taser. With a slight bit of pressure on the trigger, I will send three hundred thousand volts straight through your brain. You will die instantly, but unfortunately your head may not be easily recognizable to any friends and family you may, but I doubt, possess. If you give me that crap about Jesus once more, you will cease to exist. Do I make myself clear?"
"Um...can I claim I'm one of the Disciples?"
"What do you think?"
"Probably not a good career choice."
"Congratulations! An inspired decision! You have just taken your first step on the path of righteousness, praise the Lord!"
"I'm from a different planet."
"Which planet?"
"This one. Planet Earth. But a parallel version."
"As I expected. At which point did our worlds bifurcate?"
"On my planet, John Lennon wasn't assassinated."
Brother Sjoerd lowered the taser.
"So how did you get here?"
"I have no idea. I was sent back in time to 1978 to assassinate an old woman, which I failed spectacularly to achieve, I pressed the return button on my transporter, and the next thing I know, I'm suddenly this planet's hottest and most intriguing holovision star."
"This may sound strange, but I believe you. I am aware that time travel is possible. I also know you can't be sent between parallel worlds directly, but if you went back to a point in time when both our worlds were one, there should be no reason why it couldn't happen. People always talk about the "Kill your own grandfather" paradox, but they don't understand that you could kill your own grandfather, but in a parallel world, so it wouldn't matter, because you are from a world where your grandfather obviously wasn't killed. It would just mean that when you transport back, it would be impossible to go back to a world without you in it."
"You believe that, but you don't believe I'm Jesus?"
"The clothes you were wearing have been analyzed and appear to be have been manufactured in the 1970s. However, the money you had on you dates back to the 1960s and was no longer legal tender. Care to explain?"
"Would you believe it was a trick to wind me up?"
Brother Sjoerd laughed,
"Having shared the stage with you on three occasions, I could well imagine you are the kind of person to make people want to do that sort of thing to you. What I'd really like to know, though, is how you did that second miracle. The first you could put down to a photographic memory, but the second has me baffled. We questioned that Dutch guy that you had on stage, thinking he was your accomplice, but when he passed away he was still claiming he'd never seen you before. I don't think it would have been possible for him to be lying"
"You killed him?"
"No, Sinner, you killed him by including him in your theatrics."
"What about the woman who applauded me and got tasered? Is she OK?"
"We thought she might have been your accomplice too. How unfortunate that there was a misdiagnosis in the hospital and an excessive amount of the wrong drug was mistakenly injected into her."
"You murdering bastard!"
"You killed them both, Sinner. Don't lay the blame at my door. By the way, you still haven't answered my question. How did you do that second trick?"
"I'm a psychic!"
"A psychic? Oh come on, please. That's bullshit. What's the real answer?"
"That is the real answer. I have the ability to read a person's aura. Do you want me to read yours?"
For the second time, Brother Sjoerd laughed,
"You really are funny, Sinner, but I'll except your offer. Go ahead then, read my aura and tell me all about myself."
Pooh Carrot put on a determined looking face while Brother Sjeord relaxed in his chair smiling smugly.
"How strange?"
"What's strange, Sinner, have your powers somehow mysteriously vanished?"
"No. My powers are still there. You don't appear to have an aura."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that everybody has an aura, some stronger than others, but you don't have one."
"So what are you implying?"
"You are not human. As even animals have an aura, although very small, I would have to say that you are not a living entity. Therefore you must be a robot."
"Ah! Sinner Carrot! How nice of you to take the time out of your busy schedule to pay me a visit. Do take a seat.
"As if I had a choice?"
"We all have choices, Sinner, but if we put our faith in Jesus, he will guide us on the true path. Sadly for you, the Devil is your decision-maker."
"Yeah, whatever!"
"You intrigue me, Sinner. Did you know the ratings for the last "Repent or die" created holovision history? Nearly three and a half billion people logged on, smashing the old record by half a billion which, ironically enough, was set just last week with your second appearance on the programme. It would seem that the world finds you intriguing too, yet, as you so rightly pointed out during the programme, nobody on the planet knows the first thing about you. Not only is this strange, but also completely impossible. Everyone is finger printed and has DNA samples taken at birth. We have checked yours and there is no trace of you. I would be most grateful if you would elucidate as to how this is possible?"
"Like I said, I'm sent from heaven. I'm the second coming of Jesus."
Brother Sjoerd opened a drawer in his desk, brought out a nasty looking weapon and pointed at Pooh Carrot's head.
"This is a modified Taser. With a slight bit of pressure on the trigger, I will send three hundred thousand volts straight through your brain. You will die instantly, but unfortunately your head may not be easily recognizable to any friends and family you may, but I doubt, possess. If you give me that crap about Jesus once more, you will cease to exist. Do I make myself clear?"
"Um...can I claim I'm one of the Disciples?"
"What do you think?"
"Probably not a good career choice."
"Congratulations! An inspired decision! You have just taken your first step on the path of righteousness, praise the Lord!"
"I'm from a different planet."
"Which planet?"
"This one. Planet Earth. But a parallel version."
"As I expected. At which point did our worlds bifurcate?"
"On my planet, John Lennon wasn't assassinated."
Brother Sjoerd lowered the taser.
"So how did you get here?"
"I have no idea. I was sent back in time to 1978 to assassinate an old woman, which I failed spectacularly to achieve, I pressed the return button on my transporter, and the next thing I know, I'm suddenly this planet's hottest and most intriguing holovision star."
"This may sound strange, but I believe you. I am aware that time travel is possible. I also know you can't be sent between parallel worlds directly, but if you went back to a point in time when both our worlds were one, there should be no reason why it couldn't happen. People always talk about the "Kill your own grandfather" paradox, but they don't understand that you could kill your own grandfather, but in a parallel world, so it wouldn't matter, because you are from a world where your grandfather obviously wasn't killed. It would just mean that when you transport back, it would be impossible to go back to a world without you in it."
"You believe that, but you don't believe I'm Jesus?"
"The clothes you were wearing have been analyzed and appear to be have been manufactured in the 1970s. However, the money you had on you dates back to the 1960s and was no longer legal tender. Care to explain?"
"Would you believe it was a trick to wind me up?"
Brother Sjoerd laughed,
"Having shared the stage with you on three occasions, I could well imagine you are the kind of person to make people want to do that sort of thing to you. What I'd really like to know, though, is how you did that second miracle. The first you could put down to a photographic memory, but the second has me baffled. We questioned that Dutch guy that you had on stage, thinking he was your accomplice, but when he passed away he was still claiming he'd never seen you before. I don't think it would have been possible for him to be lying"
"You killed him?"
"No, Sinner, you killed him by including him in your theatrics."
"What about the woman who applauded me and got tasered? Is she OK?"
"We thought she might have been your accomplice too. How unfortunate that there was a misdiagnosis in the hospital and an excessive amount of the wrong drug was mistakenly injected into her."
"You murdering bastard!"
"You killed them both, Sinner. Don't lay the blame at my door. By the way, you still haven't answered my question. How did you do that second trick?"
"I'm a psychic!"
"A psychic? Oh come on, please. That's bullshit. What's the real answer?"
"That is the real answer. I have the ability to read a person's aura. Do you want me to read yours?"
For the second time, Brother Sjoerd laughed,
"You really are funny, Sinner, but I'll except your offer. Go ahead then, read my aura and tell me all about myself."
Pooh Carrot put on a determined looking face while Brother Sjeord relaxed in his chair smiling smugly.
"How strange?"
"What's strange, Sinner, have your powers somehow mysteriously vanished?"
"No. My powers are still there. You don't appear to have an aura."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that everybody has an aura, some stronger than others, but you don't have one."
"So what are you implying?"
"You are not human. As even animals have an aura, although very small, I would have to say that you are not a living entity. Therefore you must be a robot."
