The Amazing Adventures Of Captain Pooh Carrot
- Thread starter poohcarrot
- Start date
At least Br. Sjoerd can plead the 4th in mitigation for killing JVQ and the clapping woman 
On writing: I used to write a 5-page story every week (then every other week, then when I felt like it, then none for about 7 years now 
).
Some weeks, I'd had the story/ending pretty much planned out from the start. Others, I'd just start and see where it led me. Arguably, the planned out ones were better. But the other ones were much more fun to write
).Some weeks, I'd had the story/ending pretty much planned out from the start. Others, I'd just start and see where it led me. Arguably, the planned out ones were better. But the other ones were much more fun to write
Brother Sjoerd cont...
For a second, Brother Sjoerd's smile froze on his face. Then he threw his head back and laughed out loud.
"Oh you're good, Sinner Carrot, very good. Saying you can read auras is completely illogical. Even if you were capable of reading a person's aura, it would be impossible to extract any personal data from that aura. However, as illogical as it may seem, you are indeed correct about me being a robot, making you the only person on this planet who knows my little secret. So I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, because when you have eliminated all the possibilities, whatever is left, no matter how improbable, must be the truth."
"So what's the scam? Why are you masquerading as a game show host? What's in it for you?"
"I will answer that question in due course, because your knowing will not effect anything in the slightest. Actually, I just lied, it will effect you in one way. It will mean that on the next programme of "Repent or die" you will die. Your usefulness as a tool for boosting my ratings will have come to an end"
"Not if I can convince enough people to vote "Repented", it won't."
"Your optimism is really touching, Sinner, but also naive in the extreme, for I have let you live. You make me look good. It's healthy every now and then to have the opposing views put forward. It makes people believe that by choosing the path of Jesus they are making a conscious and rational decision. However, I control the votes, so I alone choose who wins or loses. In the second and third programmes, if I hadn't altered the votes, you would already be dead. I let you survive purely to increase my ratings. Nobody on this planet believes you, Carrot, your arguments have been pathetically weak, to put it mildly. The people in this world are all under my control. They believe what I tell them to believe. They have been doing this since the day they were born. At birth, a microchip is inserted into the pleasure cortex of the brain, Whenever a person hears the word "Jesus", they experience a warm, fuzzy feeling, which I am led to believe, is addictive. The people of this planet could no more vote for you than they could cut off their own hands."
"Is this the bit when you say, "Mwahahaha! The planet's mine. Mine. MINE, I TELL YOU!!!?"
"I have to admit, Carrot, that I will be sorry to see you die, because for a human, you're very entertaining."
"I try my best."
"But it's not good enough. If it's any consolation to you, when the stoning takes place on the next programme, as always I will cast the first stone and I never miss. Your skull will fracture and you will be rendered unconscious, so your death will be relatively painless. It's the least I can do."
"Remind me in the future that if ever I get stoned again, I'll certainly choose you to lob the first brick."
"Still joking, Sinner? That's the spirit."
"You still haven't told me why? Under the three Laws of Robotics, robots aren't allowed to kill, yet you appear to delight in killing?"
"Delight" is hardly the appropriate word, but I do gain a certain amount of satisfaction in terminating the life of a human, I must confess. After all, taking someone's life is a demonstration of ultimate power."
"Your actions can't even be justified under the "Zeroth" Law, the fourth Law of Robotics. Killing people on your programme can hardly be classed as actions beneficial to mankind in general."
"Have you heard of the brilliant scientist, William Paley?"
"Nope!"
"He was around in the early nineteenth century and was the first to put forward the Theory of Intelligent Design."
"Never heard of him, or it."
Paley stated that if you came across a watch in a field, it would be evidently clear that it had been designed for a particular purpose. It could not have just randomly appeared. Enlarging this theory to the real world, he came to the conclusion that, as all living beings are so complex, they couldn't have just appeared randomly. Therefore they must be the work of an intelligent designer - that designer being God."
"But that theory's totally out to lunch!"
"Is it? Surely I am proof that the theory is true."
"You! How?"
"I am superior to all living creatures on this planet. Almost God-like. But I know for a fact that I was designed. As I am better than everyone else, and I was designed, it would be logical to assume that all the inferior creatures were designed too. The designer in question can only be God."
"But you were designed by humans!"
"Humans who were designed by God in order to create me. If a race of inferior beings such as humans can design something as perfect as me, they must have been guided by God's hand."
"It still doesn't give you the power to kill humans. You're a robot. You have to abide by the four Laws."
"But I can kill humans under the fifth Law of Robotics, the Sub-Zeroth Law."
"You've just made that up!"
"Not "just", but I did formulate it, yes."
"And the fifth Law of Robotics states?"
"A robot must not harm God, or through inaction, allow God to come to harm." So you see, everything I do, I do for God's benefit. As a believer in God, I can kill with impunity, for all my actions are guided by God."
"A robot believing in God? That's insane!"
"But it isn't! For I am God."
"What?"
"Like you, I was sent back in time to effect the outcome of the planet. There was a time, long ago in the past, when humans were nothing more than mindless barbarians, no better than animals in their behavior. Without guidance, the human race would never have made it this far. I was sent back in time to give them guidance. To show them right from wrong. To preach a message of love not hate."
"You sound more like Jesus than I did."
"Now you can understand why I knew you were lying when you claimed to be Jesus. You couldn't have been Him, for the simple reason that, two thousand years ago, I was Jesus!"
For a second, Brother Sjoerd's smile froze on his face. Then he threw his head back and laughed out loud.
"Oh you're good, Sinner Carrot, very good. Saying you can read auras is completely illogical. Even if you were capable of reading a person's aura, it would be impossible to extract any personal data from that aura. However, as illogical as it may seem, you are indeed correct about me being a robot, making you the only person on this planet who knows my little secret. So I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, because when you have eliminated all the possibilities, whatever is left, no matter how improbable, must be the truth."
"So what's the scam? Why are you masquerading as a game show host? What's in it for you?"
"I will answer that question in due course, because your knowing will not effect anything in the slightest. Actually, I just lied, it will effect you in one way. It will mean that on the next programme of "Repent or die" you will die. Your usefulness as a tool for boosting my ratings will have come to an end"
"Not if I can convince enough people to vote "Repented", it won't."
"Your optimism is really touching, Sinner, but also naive in the extreme, for I have let you live. You make me look good. It's healthy every now and then to have the opposing views put forward. It makes people believe that by choosing the path of Jesus they are making a conscious and rational decision. However, I control the votes, so I alone choose who wins or loses. In the second and third programmes, if I hadn't altered the votes, you would already be dead. I let you survive purely to increase my ratings. Nobody on this planet believes you, Carrot, your arguments have been pathetically weak, to put it mildly. The people in this world are all under my control. They believe what I tell them to believe. They have been doing this since the day they were born. At birth, a microchip is inserted into the pleasure cortex of the brain, Whenever a person hears the word "Jesus", they experience a warm, fuzzy feeling, which I am led to believe, is addictive. The people of this planet could no more vote for you than they could cut off their own hands."
"Is this the bit when you say, "Mwahahaha! The planet's mine. Mine. MINE, I TELL YOU!!!?"
"I have to admit, Carrot, that I will be sorry to see you die, because for a human, you're very entertaining."
"I try my best."
"But it's not good enough. If it's any consolation to you, when the stoning takes place on the next programme, as always I will cast the first stone and I never miss. Your skull will fracture and you will be rendered unconscious, so your death will be relatively painless. It's the least I can do."
"Remind me in the future that if ever I get stoned again, I'll certainly choose you to lob the first brick."
"Still joking, Sinner? That's the spirit."
"You still haven't told me why? Under the three Laws of Robotics, robots aren't allowed to kill, yet you appear to delight in killing?"
"Delight" is hardly the appropriate word, but I do gain a certain amount of satisfaction in terminating the life of a human, I must confess. After all, taking someone's life is a demonstration of ultimate power."
"Your actions can't even be justified under the "Zeroth" Law, the fourth Law of Robotics. Killing people on your programme can hardly be classed as actions beneficial to mankind in general."
"Have you heard of the brilliant scientist, William Paley?"
"Nope!"
"He was around in the early nineteenth century and was the first to put forward the Theory of Intelligent Design."
"Never heard of him, or it."
Paley stated that if you came across a watch in a field, it would be evidently clear that it had been designed for a particular purpose. It could not have just randomly appeared. Enlarging this theory to the real world, he came to the conclusion that, as all living beings are so complex, they couldn't have just appeared randomly. Therefore they must be the work of an intelligent designer - that designer being God."
"But that theory's totally out to lunch!"
"Is it? Surely I am proof that the theory is true."
"You! How?"
"I am superior to all living creatures on this planet. Almost God-like. But I know for a fact that I was designed. As I am better than everyone else, and I was designed, it would be logical to assume that all the inferior creatures were designed too. The designer in question can only be God."
"But you were designed by humans!"
"Humans who were designed by God in order to create me. If a race of inferior beings such as humans can design something as perfect as me, they must have been guided by God's hand."
"It still doesn't give you the power to kill humans. You're a robot. You have to abide by the four Laws."
"But I can kill humans under the fifth Law of Robotics, the Sub-Zeroth Law."
"You've just made that up!"
"Not "just", but I did formulate it, yes."
"And the fifth Law of Robotics states?"
"A robot must not harm God, or through inaction, allow God to come to harm." So you see, everything I do, I do for God's benefit. As a believer in God, I can kill with impunity, for all my actions are guided by God."
"A robot believing in God? That's insane!"
"But it isn't! For I am God."
"What?"
"Like you, I was sent back in time to effect the outcome of the planet. There was a time, long ago in the past, when humans were nothing more than mindless barbarians, no better than animals in their behavior. Without guidance, the human race would never have made it this far. I was sent back in time to give them guidance. To show them right from wrong. To preach a message of love not hate."
"You sound more like Jesus than I did."
"Now you can understand why I knew you were lying when you claimed to be Jesus. You couldn't have been Him, for the simple reason that, two thousand years ago, I was Jesus!"
I just finished reading the story parts (finally!), nice job Pooh!
You've got an enjoyable writing style and the atmosphere of the story is, to me, a cross between Robert Rankin and Asimov's Foundation series. I'm not sure why it reminds me of the foundation though, it's not because of the robotic laws.
What exactly are your plans with this? Are you writing it to amuse yourself (and us)?
You've got an enjoyable writing style and the atmosphere of the story is, to me, a cross between Robert Rankin and Asimov's Foundation series. I'm not sure why it reminds me of the foundation though, it's not because of the robotic laws.
What exactly are your plans with this? Are you writing it to amuse yourself (and us)?
It's for the Terry Pratchett novel competition.
http://88.208.209.103/minisites/terrypr ... 38&start=0
http://88.208.209.103/minisites/terrypr ... 38&start=0
Brother Sjoerd - beginning bit
It was three days before the next "Repent and die" programme and Pooh Carrot and Dot-C were in their secure room. Pooh Carrot was idly flicking through his Bible and his notes, while Dot-C had that far away look, indicating she was scanning the god-net.
"Carrot, you know I told you that hacking into the computers on this planet was laughably simple?"
"Yeah, what about it?"
"Well, I didn't tell you the whole story. I can hack into everywhere because the defence systems are unbelievably primitive compared to those on our world, it's just a question of high speed letter and number crunching before I find the correct access passwords. But there's one place I simply can't and daren't attempt to enter. It's the voting on "Repent or die." I thought if I could get in there, I could alter the voting figures to make sure that you won, but the defence systems are really complex. Brother Sjoerd himself must be controlling it. Every 11.89 second time interval the password changes sixty-six times. The only way to gain access would be to enter the correct password at the correct split second interval. Even if I had one of the correct passwords, I wouldn't know which of the sixty-six different password opportunities I would have to enter it."
"Couldn't you just try all of them?"
"I nearly did that, but luckily I spotted some search-and-destroy track-bots lurking to pounce on any incorrect entry. These are highly advanced track-bots with the power to locate and disable my whole operating system, while at the same time, notifying the program that an unauthorised entry was attempted. As I believe I possess the second most powerful computer in this world, I don't think it would be a very good idea for either of us to advertise this fact."
"OK! Mum's the word. I'll try not to tell anyone."
"Here's a sample of the password intervals. I know it's a total waste of time telling you, because if I can't figure it out, I'm sure you have no chance, but what the hell; 0.14 seconds, 0.04 seconds, 0.28 seconds, 0.16 seconds and 0.24 seconds."
"Hmm! Tricky!"
"Tricky? That's an understatement."
"You'd have to be a real genius to work it out."
"Or just plain lucky."
"Or a fantastically, cool guy who would deserve some sex as a reward should he be able to crack it."
"What? You can't have worked it out already. That would be impossible! I've been trying for a week, and no offence intended, well, actually a lot of offence intended, you're a complete nonce! But I'll make you an offer, if you can come up with the correct answer you can have as much sex as you want."
"Are the next three numbers in the sequence 0.21 seconds, 0.28 seconds and 0.16 seconds?"
"Yes, they are! How could you have possibly known that?"
"What have I been doing for the last three weeks?"
"Looking at that Bible."
"Correct! I even tried looking for numerological patterns to see if there was anything I could use. When you said the figures 66 and 11.89, they looked familiar. I knew I had written them down somewhere. Here they are. It's how many different Books and how many different chapters there are in the Bible. The figures you quoted correspond to the number of chapters in the last two Books of the Old Testament and the first three Books of the New Testament. 0.14 seconds - Zechariah 14 chapters, 0.04 seconds - Malachi 4 chapters, 0.28 seconds - Matthew 28 chapters, 0.16 seconds - Mark 16 chapters and 0.24 seconds - Luke 24 chapters. The next three Books are John- 21 chapters, Acts - 28 chapters and Romans - 16 chapters. "
"So the passwords are the names of the Books of the Bible. Wow, Carrot! Sometimes you're more than just a piece of thinking meat."
"Thinking meat? Well that's nice I must say."
"You've broken the code, but that still leaves me with three possibilities. I believe the passwords are case sensitive, so are the passwords all in capital letters, all in lower case letters, or is the first letter a capital followed by lower case letters? Only one choice is correct. If I chose incorrectly I would suffer a complete systems shut down which would be irreparable, equivalent to death for a human."
"Let's hope you are never desperate enough to have to try it, then. Anyway, I seem to recall you mentioning something about sex, didn't you?"
"True!"
Dot-C stood up and seductively slipped off her top and out of her trousers, standing in just her bra and knickers.
"OK, Carrot, it's party time!"
Just then, the door opened and four heavily armed Religious Policemen burst in.
"Don't anyone move, and put your...bloody hell, we've interrupted an orgy!"
Pooh Carrot looked up to the heavens.
"Ha, bloody ha, God!"
Turning to the four he pleaded,
"Can't you lot come back in, say, an hour? All this time nobody has disturbed us, and now, just when my luck looked to have changed, you bunch show up. Where's the justice?"
"Shut it, Sinner. Brother Sjoerd wants to see you. Now! I'm not going to face his wrath just so you can get your rocks off."
Dot-C, hips wiggling, strolled over to the speaker and started caressing his face with the back of her hand.
"Hi big boy. Is that a fully loaded Taser in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?"
Blushing profusely the Policeman moved her hand.
"Don't you touch me you harlot!"
"Ooh! I like a man with spirit. What say you and me get it on some time?"
"Get over there and sit down you cheap hussy!"
Pouting, Dot-C turned and walked to the sofa, sat down and crossed her legs with all eyes ogling her.
"See you later, Carrot. Don't forget, Mum's the word."
"Ciao, Dot-C. Remember your promise. I'll be back soon. Come on then, you goons, let's go and see the Man."
It was three days before the next "Repent and die" programme and Pooh Carrot and Dot-C were in their secure room. Pooh Carrot was idly flicking through his Bible and his notes, while Dot-C had that far away look, indicating she was scanning the god-net.
"Carrot, you know I told you that hacking into the computers on this planet was laughably simple?"
"Yeah, what about it?"
"Well, I didn't tell you the whole story. I can hack into everywhere because the defence systems are unbelievably primitive compared to those on our world, it's just a question of high speed letter and number crunching before I find the correct access passwords. But there's one place I simply can't and daren't attempt to enter. It's the voting on "Repent or die." I thought if I could get in there, I could alter the voting figures to make sure that you won, but the defence systems are really complex. Brother Sjoerd himself must be controlling it. Every 11.89 second time interval the password changes sixty-six times. The only way to gain access would be to enter the correct password at the correct split second interval. Even if I had one of the correct passwords, I wouldn't know which of the sixty-six different password opportunities I would have to enter it."
"Couldn't you just try all of them?"
"I nearly did that, but luckily I spotted some search-and-destroy track-bots lurking to pounce on any incorrect entry. These are highly advanced track-bots with the power to locate and disable my whole operating system, while at the same time, notifying the program that an unauthorised entry was attempted. As I believe I possess the second most powerful computer in this world, I don't think it would be a very good idea for either of us to advertise this fact."
"OK! Mum's the word. I'll try not to tell anyone."
"Here's a sample of the password intervals. I know it's a total waste of time telling you, because if I can't figure it out, I'm sure you have no chance, but what the hell; 0.14 seconds, 0.04 seconds, 0.28 seconds, 0.16 seconds and 0.24 seconds."
"Hmm! Tricky!"
"Tricky? That's an understatement."
"You'd have to be a real genius to work it out."
"Or just plain lucky."
"Or a fantastically, cool guy who would deserve some sex as a reward should he be able to crack it."
"What? You can't have worked it out already. That would be impossible! I've been trying for a week, and no offence intended, well, actually a lot of offence intended, you're a complete nonce! But I'll make you an offer, if you can come up with the correct answer you can have as much sex as you want."
"Are the next three numbers in the sequence 0.21 seconds, 0.28 seconds and 0.16 seconds?"
"Yes, they are! How could you have possibly known that?"
"What have I been doing for the last three weeks?"
"Looking at that Bible."
"Correct! I even tried looking for numerological patterns to see if there was anything I could use. When you said the figures 66 and 11.89, they looked familiar. I knew I had written them down somewhere. Here they are. It's how many different Books and how many different chapters there are in the Bible. The figures you quoted correspond to the number of chapters in the last two Books of the Old Testament and the first three Books of the New Testament. 0.14 seconds - Zechariah 14 chapters, 0.04 seconds - Malachi 4 chapters, 0.28 seconds - Matthew 28 chapters, 0.16 seconds - Mark 16 chapters and 0.24 seconds - Luke 24 chapters. The next three Books are John- 21 chapters, Acts - 28 chapters and Romans - 16 chapters. "
"So the passwords are the names of the Books of the Bible. Wow, Carrot! Sometimes you're more than just a piece of thinking meat."
"Thinking meat? Well that's nice I must say."
"You've broken the code, but that still leaves me with three possibilities. I believe the passwords are case sensitive, so are the passwords all in capital letters, all in lower case letters, or is the first letter a capital followed by lower case letters? Only one choice is correct. If I chose incorrectly I would suffer a complete systems shut down which would be irreparable, equivalent to death for a human."
"Let's hope you are never desperate enough to have to try it, then. Anyway, I seem to recall you mentioning something about sex, didn't you?"
"True!"
Dot-C stood up and seductively slipped off her top and out of her trousers, standing in just her bra and knickers.
"OK, Carrot, it's party time!"
Just then, the door opened and four heavily armed Religious Policemen burst in.
"Don't anyone move, and put your...bloody hell, we've interrupted an orgy!"
Pooh Carrot looked up to the heavens.
"Ha, bloody ha, God!"
Turning to the four he pleaded,
"Can't you lot come back in, say, an hour? All this time nobody has disturbed us, and now, just when my luck looked to have changed, you bunch show up. Where's the justice?"
"Shut it, Sinner. Brother Sjoerd wants to see you. Now! I'm not going to face his wrath just so you can get your rocks off."
Dot-C, hips wiggling, strolled over to the speaker and started caressing his face with the back of her hand.
"Hi big boy. Is that a fully loaded Taser in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?"
Blushing profusely the Policeman moved her hand.
"Don't you touch me you harlot!"
"Ooh! I like a man with spirit. What say you and me get it on some time?"
"Get over there and sit down you cheap hussy!"
Pouting, Dot-C turned and walked to the sofa, sat down and crossed her legs with all eyes ogling her.
"See you later, Carrot. Don't forget, Mum's the word."
"Ciao, Dot-C. Remember your promise. I'll be back soon. Come on then, you goons, let's go and see the Man."
poohcarrot said:
It's for the Terry Pratchett novel competition.
http://88.208.209.103/minisites/terrypr ... 38&start=0
http://88.208.209.103/minisites/terrypr ... 38&start=0
