THE CARROTS "LIVE"

[poohcarrot]

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CARROT FOR THE MOST DEPRESSINGLY MISERABLE STORY THAT MADE ME WANT TO SLASH MY WRISTS AND STICK MY HEAD IN A GAS OVEN

There were several miserably depressing stories, but the judges picked this one as the miserablest of the miserablest. They then went outside and shot themselves.

Eternity
I couldn’t feel anything. Someone held my hand as I breathed in deeply.
“I’ll be here, don’t worry. Everything is going to be alright.”
Hours later, and I’m sitting in the dark, waiting. There’s no pain, no light, no thoughts. Just those words over and over.
But she’s not here. I can’t feel her holding my hand. She lied to me.
And, finally, I hear screaming.
“We have to pull the plug, I’m so sorry, she isn’t going to wake up”
For a second, nay, a mili-second, she looks at me.

WRITER OF ETERNITY !

 

[poohcarrot]

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CARROT FOR MANAGING TO SNATCH DEFEAT FROM THE JAWS OF VICTORY

How did "Bang" lose?
And, once the pretentiously superfluous "Gaelic" had been removed and the swans explained, how did "Stories will fade" lose?
Ironic that "Stories will fade" got knocked out by "Pip's Baby" though.

PIP!

 

[poohcarrot]

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BEST BOY CARROT

At the end of movies, you always see in the credits "Best boy". I have no idea what a "best boy" is and really can't be bothered to check.
So I will assume it means someone who helped.
The following person, apart from writing Trick, by far the best poem by a mile and a top 4 cert (but it wasn't), also provided valuable suggestions when I wasn't quite sure what voting system to adopt, both in the hilarious "Colin Smythe" story and the following quote; :dance:

"I say we make the voting system as complicated as possible with each voter getting many different graded votes, alternate choices, cross-referencing, sub-clauses to be taken into account, eliminations and endless rounds and try to make Pooh's head explode."

MONGO!

 

[MongoGutman]

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I love you all, you're my besh *hic* I meen besh frends and you'll rue the day you voted me off, rue the day I tell you! And I would have got away with it too if it wasn't for those meddling kids and their pesky dog!

 

[Jan Van Quirm]

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Well done to all my fellow carrot recipients so far

As it's obvious I'm rubbish at drabbles and much better with quick visuals and sundry layouts

With apologies to James Cameron's design team for that one for 'leeking' their next blockbuster Carrotar starring Pooh and all the 100 acre wood team. :angelic-innocent:

As Pooh's worked so hard at making this the success it's become, I'm in the process of making a de-luxe typographic extravaganza PDF version of the wonkyish Word doc for us to share in perpetuity - or until they archive this sleepy little sub-forum that most of us had never heard of before... Available for download in this thread sometime tomorrow after all the awards are announced :ugeek:

 

[SimStars13]

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Almost missed this

But I would like to own up to almost causing Pooh to stick his head in a gas oven :twisted: :violin:

Well done to everyone who's gained a carrot so far, is yet to gain a carrot and those who've helped yet won't receive a carrot... who I think only boils down to those who voted! All the stories were so good, and I think "hard decisions" wins the truest title, since that describes every voting round for me

Looking forward to the conclusion of the ceremony, and the possible annual re-incarnation of this competition?

Edited to add: I'm going to admit the only reason my story passed the first round was moi, but I'm so glad that some people thought it warranted at least one vote - this actually means more to me than winning would have, and I await their reveal with anticipation...

 

[Quatermass]

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Okay, I'm awake. :|

 

[Willem]

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Accepting the 'best worst line' award.

I got the one I wanted!

I would like to thank my daughter, who inspired me to write a poem about a deer. She was watching Bambi and I got thinking I'd prefer a movie where the mother lived and Bambi got shot instead. I worked backwords from the, indeed, godawful line that popped up after that. All the rest's just filler really.
I'd also like to thank the awful writers I've been exposed to over the years, alas, too many to list them all. And the academy of Pooh for making this all possible. And to everyone involved for joining in the fun!

 

[poohcarrot]

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CARROT FOR OUTSTANDING SPORTSMANSHIP

For contributing greatly to the success of the competition, and when it mattered, despite having all his stories knocked out, for getting off his grumpy ass to vote in the semi-final (and final). Thus proving that far from being the misanthrope he claims to be, he is in fact a lubberly-wubberly cuddly bunny-wabbit!

Q!

 

[Quatermass]

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Thank you for this trophy, although I am sure that I will get something very like it, the next time I buy about 20 litres of fuel at Shell. :twisted:

Let me just say that the joke is on Pooh. I am not a good sportsman at all. I am a bad winner as much as I am a bad loser. The clue should have come from my story Nuclear Checkmate.

It is an honour to win an award such as this, but to receive it here in the Terry Pratchett forum...hugely diminishes that honour. Considering that my stories didn't even get as far as the semi-finals, I have come to the conclusion that I should retire from writing altogether, in order to work with the mentally ill. In which capacity, I hope to meet all of you who voted very soon.




Okay, I'm kidding. I took my inspiration (and a lot of the jokes) from this sketch in Rowan Atkinson Live:

 

[poohcarrot]

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CARROT FOR BEING THE BIGGEST PATRONISING GIT

For at one point suggesting that there should be a seperate competition for non-native English speakers, the winner is...

POOH!

 

[poohcarrot]

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Before moving on to the Carrot for the Best Supporting Voter, let's take a little musical interlude; :dance:

 

[poohcarrot]

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BEST SUPPORTING VOTER

Although the recipient of this award didn't write a story, she did vote in every round, so deserves mention. :dance:
And in the interests of fairness, in every round I deliberately voted against all her boyfriend's stories, just on the off chance that she might have been party to some information which might have interfered with her voting impartiality. :whistle: :whistle: :whistle:

mC!

 

[poohcarrot]

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WINNER OF THE BRONZE CARROT

MODERN ROMANCE

BATTY!
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[poohcarrot]

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WINNER OF THE GOLDEN CARROT

HARD DECISIONS

CRYS!
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[poohcarrot]

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WINNER OF THE GOLDEN CARROT

SLAYER

SJOERD!
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[poohcarrot]

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Gor blimey! Well would you Adam and Eve it?

All that voting and it ends in a dead heat. :dance: :dance:

A fair result, if ever I saw one.

I will post the actual voting figures just as soon as I find them, but for some inexplicable reason they appear to have vanished - how bizarre! :liar: :liar: :whistle: :whistle:

 

[Jan Van Quirm]

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Well that was poetic justice then! Very well done Sjoerd and Crys (I knew it had to be you with Raistlin getting a mention! ) :dance: :clap: :dance: And cheers as well to Batty for the runners-up medal :angelic-flying:

 

[poohcarrot]

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Thankyou ladies and gentlemen, you've been a dynamite audience. :dance:

See you all again next year, same time, same channel.

And remember - keep Drabbling! :dance: :dance:

YO, AKB48! Give me five! :dance: :dance:

Crys and Sjoerd, pm me your address. :ugeek:

A Poohcarrot (2012) production - all rights reserved.

 

[Batty]

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The simple carrot might seem like a humble vegetable, fit only enough for rabbits and Eeyore, but in the hands of a Bear with Very Little Brain, is transformed to become a token of Triumph! Success! Endeavour! and is a truly wonderful prize and trophy to have been awarded.

And once again!
I feel humbled and (((sob))) grateful! ((sob))) ... :crying-yellow:
I'd like to thank my parents for giving birth to me ((sniff!)), the general public who voted for me ((sob!)), and to pooh - without whom this would not have been possible ... ((Wail!, sob!, Sniff!... )) :crying-green: :crying-blue: :crying-yellow:

There are no losers in this competition! ... Only people by luck or chance of the draw, did slightly better!!

And once again, I cannot express enough how chuffed I am that people actually voted for my efforts! Thank You, All!